Sigh

One of those days - you know, the one which starts out full of promise and ends up being, through nobody's fault, a complete disaster from every angle...

Went to Burghley today



the weather was beautiful - crisp and sunny. There were plenty of deer and other stuff to look at as well as a gymkarna for all to see. Technically it should have been a nice day. Sigh.

But then, and I think this was one of those moments that Maryam bangs on about when the inner self and relationship with Allah manifests itself into the material world, and the mess of our nafs emanates into physical reality - dunno if anyone knows what I am talking about - everything went just wrong. There was no barakah. We bickered. The camera was dropped and dented (hope not damaged as it was a generous gift and there is just no way we could ever have afforded it or another replacement). The atmosphere went sour and my little boy was just caught in the middle. Plus, Second-In-Command had not drank any milk since 7am and had no nap and was screaming like he was on FIRE...

Plus DH was hurting and didn't really want to go.

I just wanted a nice family day out. Why does it always have to be such a farse? Praying that we get barakah back, because something little that we do that displeases Allah can have far-reaching consequences even though we might be unaware of where the fitna emanates from. Do you know what I mean? I mean, you can do something and think nothing of it, but Allah thinks a lot of it, and by it it is a means which creates a barrier between you and Him.

You know, I was thinking this last night again, because we tend to forget it: that for every alhamdulillah we utter - that itself deserves another alhamdulillah, because it is only because Allah has turned to you, prompted dhikr in your heart, given you the strength to utter it all that you are able to even say it. Subhan'allah. Someone once asked Rabi'a "if ask Allah for forgiveness will He forgive me?" and she replied, "if He turns towards you and allows you to seek forgiveness then yes", to the nearest meaning. And there is the idea that if you seek forgiveness and offer repentence it is only because Allah ta'ala has already decided to forgive you and allowed you to utter "astaghfirullah", as anyone He intends to punish He does not allow to repent.

And this turns the western idea that all power is with the individual on its head - we think that, clever us, *we* are worshipping Allah, or giving charity, or whatever, but actually it is only because Allah *allows* us to do it at all since He intends to bring us closer to Him in the process. Subhan'allah. And we could never find guidance unless Allah, out of sheer grace, decides to guide us. And the sufis used to say that you cannot do anything better than endear yourself to Allah by inculcating beautiful character traits, such as kindness, humility, soft speech, generousity and remembering Allah often. We often think we can control our own destiny but when Allah decides to remove His barakah - what can you do about it then? You are at His mercy - literally. "And if you think you have any power at all then call back the soul of the dying man - We are nearer to him that you are, but you perceive Us not".

Just made me aware of that today when I saw it all go pear-shape. Had I been more centred and God-conscious I just knew that today would have been so different, since everything emanates from the self, and like Maryam reminded me of the beautiful verse of the Qur'an "We do not change a condition of a people until they first change what is in themselves". We bring our own destruction down on our heads by wilfully forgetting and centring ourselves on the source of all beauty - Allah.

And I know I talk about Allah alot and some of you may be rolling your eyes like I would if I was reading something by a born-again Christian, but I just have blog what's in my head...

Everything can change in one second. One of my husband's friends woke up one morning with no problems, rubbed his eye and it went black - he lost his sight. The Dr told him his eye has simply died. In one second our world can turn on its head - we are like people on a ship in a storm. We need Allah more than a drowning man needs air to breathe and were we to truly realise that we would "find" Allah. We are poor, whilst He is rich. We are in constant need, whilst He needs no thing. We are dependent, whilst He is independent. I can't help but feel frightened by the power Allah has over us, and at the same time immensely full of gratitude when I remember that He has made mercy binding on Himself making His mercy precede His wrath, being "Ar Rahman Ar Raheem" - "The Merciful, the source of Compassion" and that for anyone who turns to Him He turns also to them. In fact there is a beautiful Hadith Qudsi which states, "If my servant turns towards me, I turn towards him; ... and if he walks towards me I go towards him at speed". There is also another beautiful hadith were Muhammad (Saw) used to pray so much that his feet would swell and bleed, and he would weep in his salah. Someone once asked him, to the nearest meaning, 'why do you worship like this when Allah has already forgiven your past and future sins and guaranteed you Paradise'. Muhammad's (saw) reply was: "should I not then be a grateful slave?"

So much emanates from our state of gratitute (or lack thereof).

Anyway: moon cycle:



Double-sided tape is soooooooooooo much easier than glue!

Him and his dad are making a cake right now. Can't wait to "try" (read "finish") it.

Borg #2 on my knee - I have to go comply to his demands now. Resistance is futile...