To the Lady in John Lewis

Yeah you. The one with the furry Trilby sitting on the shop mobility scooter.

Dear Madam,

It may have escaped your notice that there are other people in the universe. We share the same air space and you can tell us apart by the way we move - Hello! we're over he-re!! Count our legs - we all have two. Except you. You have wheels. If you are ever in doubt as to what and what is not stationary, unfeeling mounds of marble or wood you only have to count the legs. Shop counters have NO legs and people have two. Let me repeat that: shop counters have no legs (and don't generally move around saying "ooh" and "ah") and people have two. Or at least they do when you're not around.

Should you wish for me to further illustrate this point then let me take you no further than to our own encounter whereby I made the mistake of standing to look into a counter top and you, either through wilful neglect, madness or accident ran into me. Several times in fact. In fact you even reversed a little before taking a second pop at my legs and saying in a loud voice "will she ever move?" so I am guessing you could see me. I mean, you're not blind, right? They don't let you drive if you're blind, surely? I politely ignored you because I have my own worries which preoccupy me even when the blades of Boadicea take chunks out of my lower legs. But you know, even as dumb as I am, even I cannot ignore being ran into seven times with greater velocity and persistent pig-headedness. Had you only asked me - either rudely or politely, to move I would have instantly moved out of your way. But you didn't. You didn't ask, because obviously I am pond life who deserves no such niceties. Instead you rammed into my legs over and over again until such rage enveloped me and such anger overtook me that had you not been in a shop mobility scooter I would have put you in one. So forgive me for being stubborn. Forgive me for not moving an inch. Forgive me for pretending to find fake jewelry rivetting. I did it all to annoy you. I stood fifteen minutes when I didn't really want to, just to wind you up and take up your time and irritate you as much as I could. It wasn't a nice thing to do, but neither is driving into someone whilst shouting "will this woman never get out of my way???!" I am sorry you had to reverse and find an alternative route. I am sorry you had to learn the hard way that I don't budge an inch when I'm bullied. I am sorry you had to endure my pig-headedness too.

So for future reference let's go over what we learned today: the magic word is 'please', people don't move when you run over them, things with legs are not to be driven into and most importantly the last thing is this:












take a good look at my face, because if you ever do that to me again - I'll take you down.