Thursday, March 16, 2006

To the Lady in John Lewis

Yeah you. The one with the furry Trilby sitting on the shop mobility scooter.

Dear Madam,

It may have escaped your notice that there are other people in the universe. We share the same air space and you can tell us apart by the way we move - Hello! we're over he-re!! Count our legs - we all have two. Except you. You have wheels. If you are ever in doubt as to what and what is not stationary, unfeeling mounds of marble or wood you only have to count the legs. Shop counters have NO legs and people have two. Let me repeat that: shop counters have no legs (and don't generally move around saying "ooh" and "ah") and people have two. Or at least they do when you're not around.

Should you wish for me to further illustrate this point then let me take you no further than to our own encounter whereby I made the mistake of standing to look into a counter top and you, either through wilful neglect, madness or accident ran into me. Several times in fact. In fact you even reversed a little before taking a second pop at my legs and saying in a loud voice "will she ever move?" so I am guessing you could see me. I mean, you're not blind, right? They don't let you drive if you're blind, surely? I politely ignored you because I have my own worries which preoccupy me even when the blades of Boadicea take chunks out of my lower legs. But you know, even as dumb as I am, even I cannot ignore being ran into seven times with greater velocity and persistent pig-headedness. Had you only asked me - either rudely or politely, to move I would have instantly moved out of your way. But you didn't. You didn't ask, because obviously I am pond life who deserves no such niceties. Instead you rammed into my legs over and over again until such rage enveloped me and such anger overtook me that had you not been in a shop mobility scooter I would have put you in one. So forgive me for being stubborn. Forgive me for not moving an inch. Forgive me for pretending to find fake jewelry rivetting. I did it all to annoy you. I stood fifteen minutes when I didn't really want to, just to wind you up and take up your time and irritate you as much as I could. It wasn't a nice thing to do, but neither is driving into someone whilst shouting "will this woman never get out of my way???!" I am sorry you had to reverse and find an alternative route. I am sorry you had to learn the hard way that I don't budge an inch when I'm bullied. I am sorry you had to endure my pig-headedness too.

So for future reference let's go over what we learned today: the magic word is 'please', people don't move when you run over them, things with legs are not to be driven into and most importantly the last thing is this:

take a good look at my face, because if you ever do that to me again - I'll take you down.


At 9:17 pm, Blogger dottyspots said...

ROFLMAO! Oh dear!

You have been busy! I've really enjoyed reading down your blogs (wish I could be as prolific - and witty ;0)

At 10:43 pm, Blogger 4 girls and 3 boys said...

Hee hee D. We have one like that down our road who races around mowing people down in her way. She hoots outside shops she can't get in and is heedless of the fact there is a queue and she is in effect in it. The shopkeepers always come out to her when it is her turn but she is so rude I sometimes wonder why they don't ignore her. I a not being nasty to disabled. I have an illness which makes it hard for me to walk sometimes - if I had a mobility scooter I could race her.

At 10:44 pm, Anonymous Waqar said...

this calls for a Jerry Springer style 'go girlfriend...'. If I could have added the necessary inflections, hand and head movements they'd have been here- y'all will have to imagine them. Not too much though please.

You have to make sure you keep the entry about Jaws and Tessa Jowell and absolutely torture him with it when he's in his teens...

Happy Friday (almost).

Salaam 'alaykum :)

At 11:00 pm, Anonymous Waqar said...

ok ok i got the name wrong... what eva

I really better snap out of this.

Of course, I meant Harriet Harman.

At 11:44 pm, Blogger Elder Faery said...

ROFLPMP (p*****g m* pan**!)

Don't do that again without a warning..three kids later my bladder control isn't what it should be..

Lets hunt her down and give her what for! Of course I don't really mean that..however...lets hope that maybe she will think again before doing the human plough thing next time.

At 12:08 am, Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

If you run into her again - or should that be the other way around? - I've racked's it, brain and :

A) loosen her wheel nuts - or
B) pay a clamper for a favour - or
C) it...just push her under a bus...

(In the nicest possible way) you can visit my pond anytime....Boss 'n Jaws'd like the fish...mind you not sure what me fish'd make of Jaws bein' in the area....

At 1:16 am, Blogger merry said...

Oh i so never, ever want to piss you off!

At 9:51 am, Blogger amanda said...



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