They f*** you up your Mum and Dad, they may not mean to, but they do...

... I once used to hold Philip Larkin in great estimation because of that one line. I used to nod my head in hearty agreement at the profundity of this poem which is both simple yet eloquent at one and the same time.

Now I think Philip Larkin needed to get out more, have ten kids, and see it from the other side, because that very line makes me shake to my very toe-nails...especially when, if you are anything like me, you have the capacity to ruin a perfectly pleasant day three seconds (literally three seconds) before lights out and have your content little snuffler, all Vicks and Karvol, crying his eyes out in a painful and neurotic state. Who was it that wrote 'I know two things will happen at my death - one is I will regret everything I have ever done, and the second is I will wish I could live my life all over again'. Well, baby, I'm already there...

The capacity to ruin my child's life becomes readily apparent when I'm at my most hormonal, but it by no means ends there. Oh no. I have the equal talent of screwing it up at other times as well. Baaaaaaaaaaaad mummy.

Thank God (you said GOD you said dat...sorry) that there is such a thing as repentence. You know I really don't know how people without religion (and I used to be one of them) cope. The burden of living is too great and it's only because I know Allah is "the merciful, the mercy-giving", the One who does not expect perfection but is the "hand-hold that will never fail", the One who "forgives again and again", that I don't go stark raving loony with guilt. A true repentence is like a new beginning and its such a healing feeling (did I just invent a Country & Western song title there? I COPYRIGHT THAT RIGHT NOW!!). Tomorrow is another day and I can only make intention to try harder... *sighs in a self-induced-semi-hormonal-self-pity*

Actually, this reminds me of a comedy sketch I once saw in which they were "doing" Oprah Winfrey. All the actors had really annoying nasally American whines to them and the girl who was on the "show" was complaining about her mother, how bad she was, how she had left her unable to cope in the real world, how traumatised she was etc. because of her mother. So they wheel the mother on and the mother says, "I can't believe you're saying all this - I gave you everything, I took care of your physical and pyschological needs. I made sure you were well looked-after, loved and appreciated and your father and I respect and love you very much", to which her daughter replied, "Exactly! And because of that - because of YOU I have no one to blame for my inadequacies and failures! Do you know how that makes me *feel*?!"....
... ...

I actually read one paragraph of an auto-biography in Waterstones once (and promptly threw the book done with a hearty "puh-lease!") that read the author was on Prozac and prone to depression because of her mother - her mother had made her so happy and content as a child that she now felt unable to equal that love and attention and "perfection" that she received as a child and as such, felt like an eternal failure. Uh!

So, I guess what I'm saying is: you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

Larkin *was* right.

Damn it all!!