Why I email everybody instead of ringing

Some people have asked why I never ring them and just email instead. For those of you without kids I will try to give you the scenario, as played out in my children's heads:



Ring Ring! Ring Ring!

JAWS: *Ears prick up like a lioness out in the Serengeti* Hark - I hear the phone. That means someone is trying to communicate with our resident butt-wiper. This could spell disaster! She may get ideas above her station - give her some breathing space and she may begin thinking she is entitled to talk when she likes - she might taste freedom and demand more time to herself. Ye Gads - she may stop worshipping us with less than 200% undivided attention. Quick! A Plan. We need a plan!

*bolts over to Mum's legs and begins whining*

Me: What is it Jaws? Sorry what were you saying? Sorry? What? I'm sorry - I can't hear you ... I think... he wants the phone. Or maybe he's done a poo. Hold on *lifts Jaws up and smells bum* No, he's just whining for the phone. Speak up and carry on.

Jaws: Damn. My cunning plan has failed. Double damn it all. That was my best weapon. But I shall not be thwarted so easily. *bolts over to a wall socket and tries to stick his tongue in*

Me: yeah.. yeah... so.. OH GOD wait there he's trying to kill himself. Just a second. *picks Jaws up and puts him in his walker* Yeah what were you saying?

Jaws: DAMN! She's good. But I will not be foiled. *trundles over to the desk and begins throwing books and eating paper*

Me: yeah? and.... OH FOR GOD'S SAKE! Wait a minute please *grabs books etc and pushes Jaws away* Carry on

Jaw: That was just the beginning butt-wipe *begins to wail til tears drop off chin end*

Me: Look, I just can't hear you. Speak up. Sorry? What??

*Boss runs in and joins the affray* Jaws: Ha! My allies have arrived! I knew I could rely on him - he comes in very useful. Must remember to keep him sweet. Brother! To arms!!

Boss: *begins monkey/donkey/airplane/car/bus/fog horn/wildebeest/lion/snake/blue whale/fighter plane noises*

Me: SORRY?? WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOU SAID?? WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU - BOSS - please be quiet I'm trying to TALK *they ignore me and the window panes begin to rattle, wine glasses several streets away shatter, dogs within a two mile radius begin to whimper and my ears begin to bleed, I lose the will to live and consider sound-proofing my children's gobs* LOOK - I'M SORRY - I JUST CAN'T HEAR YOU - EMAIL ME - I CAN READ EVEN WHEN THEY MAKE A NOISE. OK BYE. THANKS FOR CALLING.

*I put the phone down and take some painkillers and the boys secretly do high fives when I'm out of the room*

You know, even convicts are allowed one phonecall.