Friday, May 27, 2005

Boss screams

... like an absolute girl when he sees bugs flying. And I have noticed that there is no discernable difference whether he is being chased by a greenfly or a horde of wasps - the blood-curdling scream is the same.

He ran into the house very proudly today to "show me something", so out I went to see: well done, you have found a Green shield bug (Palomena prasina) which are a harmless, leaf-coloured insect wrongly assumed to be beatle, but who actually belong to another groups of insects, the Hemiptera [yes HomeEducation *is* rubbing off on me, isn't it?!]. And did you know, oh son of mine, that in Autumn they turn a greeny-bronze to concur with the change in leaf colours, lay their eggs [which we have already found] on the underside of leaves and... hey wait ... what the... get your head out of MY BUM... what... stop it!! stop screaming like that, people will think I am hurting you....

Yes, these bugs not only fly but make a rather loud "whirring" noise to boot. Shock, horror. No, I don't like them either.... *shudders*

I'm tired. Sleeping is even hurting now - not fair - was actually my favourite pass-time and now I can't enjoy it :P I turned over in bed this morning and my joints are so badly aligned that when they all snapped my together I actually sounded like a fire-cracker! It would have been cool had it not hurt as well. Perhaps I should hire myself out at weddings - would save the Pakistanis a fortune in fireworks... I could just stand there, and at someone's command try to stand up - and hey presto! instant noise... might just be a nifty income for a while...

Chemicals and babies...


Midwife just been and gone. Had to have yet MORE blood taken as I was tested as anaemic (by two incy wincy points for crying out loud!) and they have to make sure I'm not below 10 if I want to homebirth. Went through everything that could go wrong and am a bit more reluctant :S

WENT SHOPPING albeit with a harsh one hour deadline cos he wanted to get things "done"... :\ Won't he be chuffed when I tell him I want dropping off at JL tomorrow then .. :P

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Article 1

Article 2

Well, well, well

What a nice day masha'allah. Tomorrow is gonna be another scorcher, by all accounts (well according to my hubby whose bones are never [ever] wrong). And a mini-heat wave insha'allah?? That would be nice - if Boss had any short-sleave T-Shirts that is. Why oh why do I leave all shopping til the moment has passed - duh of course he needed summer clothes... will *have* to comandeer DH tomorrow for a shopping expedition whether anyone likes it or not. I can't walk and I'm digging my heals in now. Bar world war 3 or a major sulk-fest (totally possible) I think shopping is on tomorrow. Even if I have to apply emotional tactics...

On an altogether different note I have managed once again to hack a "commenter" off on a different board because I had the audacity to express an opinion on a matter in a democratic, pluralistic fashion. Ironically the person seems to be in favour of MPACUK - which bemoans the lack of democracy, politically aware and vocal Muslim input in the UK yet can't handle it themselves. I think the poster is a rather young person which explains a lot. You only have energy for anger, angst, uppitiness and self-absorption when you are young. The rest of us have life to get on with. You know someone has lost a point when the last line reads ".. and the same to you... with knobs on" etc etc. Puh-lease.

Boss is using his playhouse as a garage which is hacking the girl next door off. She puts chairs and stuff inside to make a house and he chucks it all back out and plonks his tractor in it. Not just once have I heard her say, "I am going home if you do that" and it makes me really giggle to hear Boss reply, "OK - bye - I love you"... LOL. And he loves her very much. He either doesn't understand emotional blackmail or he is really, really canny about who he lets manipulate him :P

No MP thing tomorrow then. Which works out better for me. I'd like to get to this one - AWorld is good but I'd like him to see kids sitting with a bum on a seat for more than 20 seconds and doing work. Might encourage him to try it ... if I haven't sprogged by 3rd June then insha'allah I will try and make this one.

Mightily encouraged by Boss' letter recognition, which is coming on in leaps and bounds masha'allah. He even knows some numnbers on sight which I didn't think he knew at all :) = happy bunny Debbie.

Bug exploration which I'd tried to encourage during the winter months a bit has taken off too - currently yanking every unturned stone up and screaming MUM - DAD - COME AND HAVE A LOOK AT THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS. He was dead chuffed to have cuaght himself a ladybird yesterday too - by putting a milk-bottle cap over it. Then when he went to look at it, it flew off and he said, in horror, "MUMMY - Ladybirds FLY??!". Er yeah, you didn't know??

Aunty K gave me an exercise ball a while back and I have now inflated it - ideal for home-birthing etc. etc. Hubby keeps looking at it with confusion so I said, "What is it, don't you like it?", and he replied, "What is it - an exercise ball?", and I said "Yes".... "Well why do you need an exercise ball?"... "For when I'm in labour"... *perplexed expression*... "You're going to exercise while you're in labour??"...


Wednesday, May 25, 2005


OK - list here all du'a you want me to make during labour (insha'allah) bearing in mind they may be laced with swear words and closer to punishment than fulfilment. If I hear nothing specific I will just pray for your good in this life and the next, healthy kids, etc etc...

Now, don't be shy....

Monday, May 23, 2005

The real issues for women


Who's this an impression of:

"Well, we're *all* ill, Debbie. We *all* hurt. I think you are just being a bit selfish actually".

Give in?

OK, well it's actually the impression of just about everybody in my frigging life right now. Yes, everybody hurts sometimes, thankyou REM duh, but not all groups of people are graciously mentioned in the Qur'an by Allah Most High singled out for special recognition: Mothers who bear their offspring - with one fainting spell after another! Don't remember Allah mentioning arthritis in all that. Or toothache. Or one sleepless night. Or an inability to bend ones knee a little bit. But He *did* take it upon Himself to mention the pain of motherhood and the rights of Mothers. You'd think someone might have stopped to think about that a little bit.

Somedays it's all I can do to stop myself supplicating "Ya Allah - give them this pain for a day and let them know what it's like".

I've totally packed in. I can't walk. Life sucks. I'm weepy with irritation and pain. I am totally effing miserable. I need to go into town to do a trillion important non-put-offable things and I'm sitting here wondering just *how* I am going to make it from HSBC to Boots without the use of a wheelchair. If I could get my lard ass into the Maclaren buggy I'd get Boss to push me me everywhere....

Got midwife appointment (HOME APPT.!!) on Friday to discuss the paperwork for a homebirth... like I need permission or something??

Hubby a bit "hmmmm" about the whole homebirth thing. I think I need to resassure him that he will play no role whatsoever and that should soothe him.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is - life sucks... hm, nearly wrote "suckles", which is both a Freudian slip of my maternal state of mind plus rather cute...

Life suckles. Yes I like that.

Sunday, May 22, 2005


Mission Impossible

Friday, May 20, 2005

What your PC thinks of you

I can't see my blog

anyone else having issues with it???

Thursday, May 19, 2005


Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne -

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
Hugh Grant

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

Two blondes walk into a'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

My wife's cooking is so bad even the flies chipped in to get the screen door fixed.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died... Surely Dido's looking a bit worried.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber"

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person."
What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be a*sed going to church."

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

Actual court quotes

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.


Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?
A. Rename the folder 'Instruction Manuals'

And this:

The Bible According to KIDS

The statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


My Dad just emailed me this:

New Element Discovered

A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium".

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium normally has a half-life of 3 - 5 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons thus forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".

You will know it when you see it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


Hurting. The end.

Made an amazing discovery today: food shopping defies the laws of physics since it both sucks and blows at one and the same time. It has the ability to transform one happy-go-lucky toddler into a stroppy parent-beating neanderthal, and to increase the blood pressure of afore-mentioned adults to such dizzying heights that one wonders why Tescos do not have St. John's ambulances on stand-by in pretty much the same manner as amateur football matches or organised sporting events do. Food shopping also has the ability to completely cripple me since my hips nearly packed in on three occasions and had the unborn not been using both feet to push my stomach into an unusual hexagon shape meaning I had to stand with an overly straight back to avoid unnecessary internal laceration of my uterus I think I would have slowly hunched over, inverted in on myself and melted into a pool on the floor. And in case I haven't made this case perfectly clear I shall reitterate it one more time: I hate food shopping and I hurt.


What else... nope: "I hurt" pretty much sums it up....

Monday, May 16, 2005

Went for third scan today to see if placenta is in the right place. Yes it's OK etc etc. Didn't get to see baby all that much except top of the head and rib cage. Dunno whether its a boy or girl was too needing the toilet to ask/care. This means, of course, that there should be no issues with planning a home birth, which given my state of planning might seem like the option-by-default.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Today I have perfected your religion for you
and completed My blessing upon you
and have chosen Islam as your religion.
Surah 5:3

Thursday, May 12, 2005

You know you're tired when...

... you have to write a list to remind you to write a list. Then you forget where you put the list. Then when you find the list you have forgotten what all the abbreviations stand for. Then you find out you are wearing your knickers inside-out and back-to-front and people sound as though they are talking to you in hexadecimal and making just as much sense whilst you lose the ability to include pronouns, adjuncts, and sometimes even nouns and grunting in chinese inflections is your only means of communication.

Add to that like it feels somebody has booted you in your hips and groin several times before tying your legs together with barbed wire and *breaks into song* welcome to my world....

Wednesday, May 11, 2005


I am over that particular flap although I still think I can't HE but there is no alternative, other than I send my child to one of you lot for the day to be suitably refined and civilized sufficiently. But I do hate books. I really need to read about how to educate a two-foot high vehicle-mad mini-person and its all I can do to not fidget through one page of something. I can't believe I managed to get through my own education myself *and* pass to become a teacher for crying out loud! What was that all about - they must have been scraping the barrel to give me my teaching employment certificate. Crumbs. I do for education what Harold Shipman did for medicine. And they call us "educated".

Anyway, K hope the sofa is being well utilised by little people giving your futon a rest. H.O. insha'allah I will be going to AW this Friday if everyone else is - would like to get out of the house seeing as I missed the last MP thingy due to agonising baby trampolining. Are you going? I can' bring your fax along then :P

Critical flaws found in Firefox


Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I can't HE

I just can't do it. I want to. But I just can't.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

OMG I am so tired type blog

Got a glimpse today of what a new baby is going to bring to the house - sledgehammer tiredness. I am soooo tired I have bounced off a few walls and walked into rooms to do things and forgotten what I wanted to do there, then left and remembered to return back to do it only to completely forget instantly once in the room.

Why, you might be asking yourselves, is poor Debbie (and co.) so tired? Well I'll tell you: a certain *somebody* who is less than four feet tall, decided to wake up at 1am last night. And 1:15am. And 1:30am. And 2am. And 2:30am. And 2:43am. And 3am. And 4:35am. Crying and screaming. For no reason. To show me snot. For a cuddle. To tell me something. To see if I'd get there in under ten seconds. Because he was bored. Because he just didn't want to sleep. OMG I was so tired that I think I actually went into a coma at 5am and whether he called after that or didn't I really don't know. But boy am I tired. And boy do I so now remember what babies are like. And it is making more determined than ever to get a SLING ready to strap this child constantly to me day and night so that I can get some *sleep*....

Can't think beyond 'where did I put my Polos'. Brain hurting. Eyes squidgy. I'm off to fantasise about a good nights' sleep (insha'allah). Pity Isha salah is going to slighty bugger up that fantasy of an early nights sleep.... :S

Saturday, May 07, 2005


Paedophiles 'turning Christian to target children in church' Article

His Brain, Her Brain

Interesting article

‘Love Even Those Who Revile You’


Thursday, May 05, 2005

Boss quote of the day...

Today we were in the garden and I was pretending to be the car "talking" to him *rolls eyes* and he turned to me and said, trying to catch me out, "But Mummy - cars don't have gobs ... so how is the car talking den?", to which I replied, "He has an exhaust pipe"..... *Eyes light up - face beams - big grin* "OH YEAHHHHHHH".... after which he spends about 10 minutes talking to the car and answering back in a squeaky voice.

Then later on he said, "Baby in your tummy big now Mum?", I said, "Masha'allah it is", "Is it coming out later?".... "Not just yet - soon insha'allah"...."Will we have to mind our eyes?" .... "Erm...why would we have to mind our eyes?" ... "Is it like a toaster and goes POP?" ... LOL ... "No, son...", then he wandered off saying in annoyed voice (Like I do when I am at my ropes end and want some help!!), "I AM preglant (pregnant).... I am PREGLANT .... I AM PREGlant..."... then he whispered... "pop ... I is alright now".


Wednesday, May 04, 2005

So just don't answer your doors, OK?

:S Article

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Long time no blog

I haven't been feeling very well. Dunno what it was but been paying homage to the porcelain god a little once too often and am feeling like someone has just rung me out and left me to dry/die. Bit better today. So - *With little enthusiasm* "woo hoo".

Brother's visit was actually a complete disaster from every angle. I hadn't slept the night before, every inch of me ached and throbbed with whatever it was that was ailing I, I was crabby and nasty, had a sulky husband and had lost the will to live, and then Boss went full on hyper-mode. Which I'd expected. Which I really should have just walked away from. Which I should have just taken as a chance to catch up on sleep. But no... my bounce had bounced; I was out of 'boing'; I was humourless and non-engagable - and that was non-negotiable; I was, in short, a cow in all respects. I shouted at Boss and showed him up. I stressed everyone out. I am SOR-RY.

I need to socialise the Boy and I don't know HOW. I think I need to start on myself first...



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